I’ve taken off the rose colored glasses.
Everything seems different. The world is a strange new place. I don’t know how to stand in it yet, how to be in it yet.
A perfect storm of events turned all I knew upside down. It came, as it always does, in three.
- A blood panel revealed I was pre-diabetic with markers for a heart attack. My father died from one fifteen years ago.
- I also maxed out three credit cards and was seriously contemplating getting a fourth. My debt was what I thought about first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I had not told my husband how bad it really was. I dreaded checking my bank account, opening my statements, and still I spent.
- The very same day I got the results from the blood work I heard Sera Beak speak on a telesummit. She is a young theologian, author of ‘Red Hot and Holy.’ The topic: the co-opting of the Divine Feminine, the Goddess – into a commodity. And that she, even with the best of intentions, had fallen prey to the ‘system’ (as she called it), and betrayed her soul to feed her ego.
That afternoon, I listened to her speak. And then I listened again. I could feel in my body what resonated. She spoke of living an organic Life – one that is in tune with Nature. She spoke of rigorously questioning and challenging everything, especially when it came to business, to make sure she was in complete alignment. And she spoke of her Soul, her Beloved, her Lady, who was her ultimate guide, guardian, source.
And as I listened, I could feel the cracks growing, see the huge disconnect between what I believed to be my path and what was actually my life. I took off my glasses and saw then, the ugly beautiful reality.
- How I drove myself, almost to a frenzy: networking, marketing, calling, speaking. Signing up for coaching and seminars. Paying others so much money, hoping they had the magic answer to get me to that ‘six-figure’ income. They all promised they could – if I just did what they told me to.
- How, as much as I believed in purpose and creativity, I had bought in to the formulas, the prescriptions to get people to sign up. Painfully recognizing that in my need to ‘build my business,’ I sometimes looked at people as an opportunity, a sale. Not always, not even often, but enough.
- How I had been lying to my husband about how things were going. Then I would sneak into my office with my credit card as I signed up for yet another program, yet another coaching session. Grabbing the mail when it arrived so that he didn’t accidentally open up one of my statements.
- And how, in the great seeking of success, I had allowed everything else to take second place – my health, my relationships, my trust in myself. I was paying a lot of people a lot of money to tell me how to live my life better: “…with purpose and abundance and clarity and prosperity ….” You know.
So, Humpty Dumpty came crashing down, and I am wading thru the rubble. Not sure what to do with a website I spent a fortune creating. Not sure what to say when people ask me what I do. Not sure what my business –if it is even a business – looks like.
So, it has been a process, a slow re-building from the ground up, the inside out. One thing I knew was that I had to be at the ocean, listening to the waves, singing, praying, asking for guidance. And when the ripples came, the impulses came, I followed. I am still following.
It meant cancelling a one-day workshop in June.
It has been getting off of email lists that spout formulas to success, sexy secrets, top ten tips.
It was telling my husband the truth. Painful, embarrassing, essential.
It is being willing to be patient with the answers; accepting that I will not be building a six figure business in six months.
It is being exquisitely careful about any mentor or program I say yes to.
It is taking the time and trusting that I want to be sweet water clear on what I love doing, why I love doing it, and how I want to be doing it, so that I can answer my calling.
In hindsight – it was a perfect storm. It was what I needed to shake things up, to put things back into perspective. It was what I needed to come back to myself as my ultimate guide. It was what I needed to re-calibrate and begin again – in a new way, in a different way, in my way.
So as I move gently back out into the world as a woman with a calling, here is what I know:
I believe in creativity – it is how we touch the divine.
I love the Earth – it is how we connect with life.
I love the process of working with women to explore and express themselves:
To discover what lies beneath the surface and reveal it in a way that is uniquely theirs.
To accept and welcome both their beauty and their darkness – for in the marriage of the two we become whole.